Stuff Psycho People Like

Mannequins are just like real people, except they are not alive.  They wear a skin thicker than even ours.  This is the attraction.  Also, you can share a cup of tea with a mannequin and their piercing judgmental eyes won’t pick you apart, at least for a couple hours.  The best way to steal a mannequin is to  walk into a department store and punch a sales associate in the  ear(s).  While the rest of the staff is busy making sure they are  alright (typical), you run out with the mannequin you’ve been scoping out for several months on your digital camera watch from a dressing room.  If you get caught, just tell the police you had no choice.  They’ll understand in most cases.  Once you get the mannequin home, be sure that dinner is waiting.  Don’t worry: they are not finicky eaters, so a microwave lasagna or box of melted crayons will do the trick.  Just make sure it’s in a crockpot, for obvious reasons.  This first meal is a great opportunity to get to know the mannequin.  It’s always a good thing to know the “person” you will be sharing a bed with for the next 3-7 months.

Quick Tip! Don’t waste your time looking for a book on what to name your mannequin.  Since you want it to embody the characteristics of someone or something you aspired to be but never gained the respect of, just name it after that person or object.  For example, my mannequin’s name is Alex Trebek.  If you insist on coming up with something new, check out babynames.com.  A class-act site with some class-act names.  Make sure to email the babynames.com webmaster 20 times tonight, each time asking more or less the same thing: How much does a baby go for on the black market these days?

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